My Health Story: Part 3
In my last health post in October of 2020 I outlined the second half of a very long journey to better health, and ultimately, my pregnancy with Riley girl. Since then I’ve journaled about pregnancy and birth, but have been pretty quiet the past (nearly) 3 years of postpartum. A lot has taken place, both beautiful and painful. I finally feel like sitting at my keyboard today to process as much as I can of it in words. In a way that is therapeutic for me and hopefully helpful for any of you who have struggled with really, anything.
We each have unique ups and downs, nuance to our lives, and hurdles that pop up expectantly and unexpectantly. I believe that to truly be ourselves we have to endure change. Not everything has to change. It doesn’t even have to be a big change. But something, even small, must budge. I don’t think I’ve encoutered a greater change then going to sleep one night pregnant and the next night holding my baby in my arms.
Here are three years of a wildly emotional and physical ride. Although there are pieces I wish had been better, easier, more well informed, etc, I am deeply grateful to have experienced and endured very much, and to continue to experience and endure much more. This life is incredible.
May to December 2021
The beginning of postpartum was a rough one, with my bladder injury during Riley’s home birth which led us to the ER 36 hours after she was born. I was screaming for pain meds as I was wheeled in a wheelchair, unable to walk, in a kind of pain that made labor look easy. After they drained 2 liters of fluid from my body and deduced that my bladder was desensitized during labor and he nerve needed to heal. This meant I couldn’t pee on my own and was sent home with a catheter attached to a pee bag until I was able to visit a urologist.
Being launched into parenthood with a complication like this all alone, without family or friends helping out, because it was COVID times and having visitors still felt scary, with Riley barely sleeping and projectile vomiting at times (which led us to discover she had reflux) was hard on Scott and I both. Then the first urologist told me I may never pee on my own again (terrible bedside manner). Two weeks later a second urologist told me it would heal no problem and it was only a matter of time (a huge breath of fresh air). After 3 weeks of a catheter my bladder was healed — yay!
For the next six months or so my health was easy going. Besides severe sleep deprivation and postpartum anxiety, which I would say really depleted my health, I physically felt well. No digestive issues like before, no stomach pains or food sensitivities, it was a really nice big break. Mastitis, however, started showing up around month 5 and I had a few really rough cases of it towards the end of the year. But persevered and learned ways to heal.
January to December 2022
The beginning of this year was coated in more cases of mastitis, overlapping several stressful nursing strikes Riley went on, making regular feedings hard to do (I didn't pump). Navigating beginning solids with Riley as she was going through some big mental leaps that lead her to sleep to crumble even more and our feeds to be a struggle took a toll on my mental health. I wasn't well. I still hadn't recovered from what felt like a traumatic entrance into motherhood, and definitely wasn't getting close to recovering from the lack of sleep. Riley was an incredibly difficult sleeper. Scott and I had meltdowns on the regular, sleep deprivation is not a joke but something to be taken very seriously! I wish I had known some better tools for receiving help during this time. We were drowning in stress and sleepiness. In the midst of such blessing getting to be with our sweet girl every day.
By halfway through the year some stress had diminished around feeds and mealtimes. Slowly Riley adapted to one nap, began to walk (much less fussy then), and Scott and I felt like we were getting out and living life more. However, I began having physical symptoms once again, struggling with my health. Slow digestion, stomach pain, bloating, middle back pain, food sensitivities, headaches, and massive anxiety (still). I began seeing an amazing chiropractor and later in the year began seeing my acupuncturist I had seen all through conceiving and pregnancy. These were good steps in taking care of myself and giving myself some attention. But they weren’t the ultimate fix. By December I began having weekly panic attacks, my joints felt like they were on fire with inflammation, I started to notice myself gaining weight, and saw evidence of life draining from my body (pale skin, colorless lips, etc). I hit a breaking point.
January to April 2023
Beginning this year I was feeling my absolute worst. The weekly panic attacks continued, as did the weight gain and overall symptoms of burnout. I was trying to get the best sleep I could, eating nutritious plant foods in a nourishing and balanced way every day, staying on top of my supplements, getting outside, moving my body, praying, reading my bible, having talks with Scott, and still my health wouldn’t budge.
I began to feel this deep calling inside my body for nourishment in a way I had never felt. I was drawn to learning about animal nourishment and couldn’t figure out why. I had been eating plants exclusively and joyfully for 11 years. Yet I felt a voice inside of me telling me I needed something different right now. I have had cravings in the past for animal foods but they always passed by and I wouldn’t entertain them for long. This was very different. I didn't feel like I had a choice.
At this point my relationship with my husband was struggling big time, my mental health was taking us all down, and my time with sweet Riley girl was compromised by my stress and pain. It hurt head to toe to exist every day, the joint pain alone was debilitating. I no longer wanted to be healthy for just me, I wanted to be healthy for Scott and Riley. I was willing to do anything for my relationship with them, so I bought eggs, and ghee, then raw kefir, then raw milk and cheese, and I ate and ate and ate and felt fed. I leaned into learning more about animal nourishment and women’s health, particularly around minerals and electrolytes. I bought a high salt electrolyte drink after craving it deeply. I guzzled it day after day. And… My panic attacks ceased. I began to feel calm, and suddenly, I could handle the everyday stresses of life on my plate again. I began to sleep better, feel more stable, have deep healing conversations with Scott, and I also worked through some deeper trauma with a therapist.
It wasn't a perfect fix, but it was the first step. I knew it would be a long road to full recovery but had the motivation and encouragement of feeling mentally well to continue. I found a registered dietician to work through guided healing for my mineral status and incorporating animal foods in an educated way. They felt like such a foreign concept to me I wanted and needed a teacher.
May to September 2023
We found out we had to leave our home of 7 years, where Riley was born, right after I discovered this initial path to healing. Isn’t that the biggest dose of grace? The next few months were some of the most stressful months of our lives as we tried to find somewhere we could afford to move. Our rent hadn't increased in 7 years and we realized we could no longer afford the market we were living in. Considering a move out of state with a tight deadline (end of summer) with a newly 2 year old was tough, mainly because we had zero hunches as to where to go. Constantly asked “where on your list do you have to consider?” we would always come up dry with “no where!”.
It was expensive to travel to scout places. Scott was working non stop. We were pinching together minutes of the day to try to brainstorm together and the only place that seemed good to start was Boise, Idaho. Smaller town, less expensive, near nature, and a short flight from grandparents. We visited in June and weren't sold on it, but discovered something… While there my massive joint pain and brain fog went away. Upon returning home it all flooded back. Could it be mold? Environment? We weren’t sure entirely. But with only 3 weeks till we needed to be out of our home (after asking for a month extension and still not knowing where to go) we booked a month’s worth of airbnbs around southern Idaho and packed our entire home into a POD to buy us some time. My pain was gone the entire trip.
I could not have survived this time if it hadn't been for the shift I made in my health earlier this year. I still hadn't lost the weight I had gained and made peace with wearing dresses all year since my pants wouldn’t button. I still felt like more life needed to come back into my bones, but month by month I was better than I was the previous. I eventually abstained from raw dairy once I noticed a tie to some increased joint inflammation, and added in bone broth and meats. I still had days where I preferred just plants, or would have mixed days of both. Plants were and are still a large portion of my diet. I do not regret veganism or see it as a cause for anything, really. It is such a beautiful way to do life and many can live this way healthily and thrive. I simply had to come to terms with the reality that it was not my choice as to what would help my body. I had to be okay with my new diet not aligning with my desires and reprioritizing what was most important to me. The health of myself and family.
October 2023 to February 2024 (Current)
We landed back in a rental here in California for a little while. Out of our budget and a tight squeeze but we needed to be back near family and familiarity while we continued seeking a long term home out of state. I began seeing my acupuncturist and chiropractor regularly again and leaning into working with my RD heavily too. My joint pain retuned on a smaller level, the removal of a large portion of my pain and all brain fog possibly confirming mold in our previous home, the continuation of some joint pain possibly pointing to environmental triggers of the area.
I still had sludge-y gallbladder issues and low digestive juices which were were working on healing, but my iron circulation had improved and I was able to cease supplementing for the first time in many years. I no longer craved electrolytes and stopped drinking them, as well as began eating more plant based meals in a week than before. My mineral levels in my hair (HTMA testing) were showing replenishment. All good things!
I had hoped my postpartum cycle would have retuned by now, fall of this year was 2.5 years cycle-less. My acupuncturist said I needed to wean Riley for a retuned cycle and I was really missing those hormones (all hormone levels for me had been rock-bottom-low during my postpartum time). End of November this year I removed the pre-nap feed with Riley, we switched to just before bedtime and it felt really good to take this initiative in regaining my cycle. I felt calm and ready for it, and Riley was peaceful about it too — which she had never been about missing a feed previously so this was great encouragement.
I woke on January 2nd of 2023 with my cycle! One year to date (of my weekly panic attacks and overall body meltdown) I was free from anxiety (unhealthy anxiety), nourished, and cycling. To make it even more wonderful and confirming, my cycle was incredible that month and I felt great. It was a normal length too, which I didn’t have previously while trying to conceive Riley.
I woke on February 1st with a positive pregnancy test! Friends! We are having another baby. We are overjoyed! We truly and deeply believe this will be a redeeming pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. So much has been learned during this first process with Riley. Much needed growth, humility, and healing. And truly, perspective.
Here I am almost in week 7, nauseous but better than the first time around with Riley by far (I couldn’t get out of bed for weeks with that sweet girl). It has been deeply relieving to give into cravings this pregnancy! I craved meat and dairy a lot with Riley during the first pregnancy. This time around I can have the burger or club sandwich or kefir yogurt oats. It’s all been so nice and freeing. That is one aspect of my diet change I haven’t touched on yet, and it is the feeling of freedom. I still feel most myself when eating plant based. It aligns with my core desires for a way of leading life in regards to food. But I am slowly, even after a year of reincorporating, finding my peace with meat, eggs, and bone broth. Some raw dairy here and there. There is no doubting its place in my healing, and often, enjoyment.
Most importantly, I love being a mom who can keep up. Having energy and patience and desire to get up and do it every day. I also love my husband deeply and am so grateful for him doing the self-work alongside me to grow and heal in many ways. We have a long way to go but it is a life of work we have signed up for willingly. I also am grateful for a deeper relationship with my parents thanks to the anxiety melting away. All of my relationships have strengthened, I’ve been able to show up for the people love in ways I never have before. Most importantly, I’m grateful for my savior Jesus for not giving up on me and being with me through this very dry season. I at times felt so distant from Him, abandoned, confused, and very alone. But through His invisible strength, kept persevering, knowing I’d see His handiwork in reflection on this time one day. I woke in January feeling Him put on my heart last year was deliverance through pain and struggle never known before, this new year is about arrival.
I want to show up, to love, to serve, and to enjoy life. I can now and it brings me to tears. I am deeply grateful and wish the same for every parent out there struggling during postpartum. Everyone will be okay, it is worth the time and energy to seek what you need and replenish. It may be hard and take work, but there is zero regret for the effort in the end.
Thank you for taking the time to read this update from me, I am thankful to share this bumpy road with you alongside such wonderful news.
He is GOOD.
Warmly,
Jessie